Regrets, I've had a few

It was at best disappointing, and at worst, a disaster.

The KZMO radio morning show was here today doing their "program" (I use that word loosely) from my shop, and suffice to say, they won't be back. Not if I can help it.

"Digger and the Pig" they call themselves. They are two 20-something guys, who were supposed to do their show from 5am to 10am in the main part of my typewriter store. The idea was that they would bring in the customers, talk about the merchandise, interview me, attract a lot of attention, and I could have a bonanza at the cash register. Well, ideas are great, but only if they come to fruition.

I showed up here at 4am to get ready for the 5:00 broadcast. I wore a nice shirt and tie, swept up, brought in some rolls and coffee, and had a small table and chairs waiting for them. "Waiting" is the key word here. The engineer showed up at 5:30, half an hour after the scheduled start time. He explained that the first hour, 5-6am, was a "Best of Digger" show, which I guess is highlights from the previous day. The actual live show doesn't start until 6:00.

Okay, well, thanks for telling me.

The hosts of the show rolled in at 6:15. Never said hello, just sat down and started playfully calling the engineer obscene names. I sat down at the table with them, expecting to be interviewed or at least in some way acknowledged, but again, nothing. They started off doing some "comedy" bit on the air, where they called a hospital and pretended to be a patient with Tourette's Syndrome, complete with language that I wouldn't want a truck driver to hear, much less any customer that might come in.

When they finally did get around to mentioning where they were doing the broadcast, like around 6:55am, they got the name of the store wrong. They called it "Alta Coma Typing Machines," then "Alta Coma Keyboard Thingies," and finally just "Some Typing Place." Hey guys: it's called Alta Coma Typewriters. Try making a note of it.

The one "interview" they did with me seemed genuine enough, but it turned out it wasn't. I figured out after a few minutes that every time I answered one of Digger's questions about typing or the typewriter store, the guy they call "the Pig" was making pig noises on the air from a microphone across the room. I couldn't hear it at first, but when I put on a pair of headphones midway through the interview I could hear the whole thing. Very funny guys. Very professional.

The whole 7:00 hour got even worse. They tossed reels of typewriter ribbon around the store. They threw the pastries at the ceiling to try to make them stick. They invited callers to come down to the store and fight. They went out into the street and yelled things at people walking by. They made fun of me, my store, and my lack of customers. When I told them that my "lack of customers" was something that they were supposed to fix with this broadcast, and that maybe my "lack of customers" was due to their presence in my store, one of them, I think it was the Pig, blasted an air horn right into my ear.

I was dazed, and more than a little bit angry at this point. I tried calling Bob Green (the sales manager at KZMO) to complain, but I couldn't get him on the phone. I tried calling the General Sales Manager, the Program Director, anyone, to try to restore order, but it seems nobody comes into the radio station until well after 9:00 am. They would never make it in the real business world, believe me. And while I was making these phone calls in the back, more shenanigans up front. They turned my "Come in, we're OPEN" sign around to the "Sorry, we're CLOSED" side. They poured coffee in one of the Smith-Coronas. And, after figuring out how to put the paper in the IBM and actually start typing on it (these are not rocket scientists), they typed the words, "This Place Sucks" over and over on several sheets of paper, which they then taped to the outside store window.

By 8:15, I'd had enough. So had they, I guess, because they made one last on-air insult directed at me, and then left the store... well before the scheduled 10am sign-off.

The place was a mess, they'd taken several boxes of pens, paper, and other supplies, and, worst of all, they didn't bring in a single customer! Not one. Actually, though, that might have been a good thing, since I don't think I'd want to serve anyone who listens to "Digger and the Pig" on the radio.

I still have the small matter of the year-long advertising package I bought on KZMO, which has another 49 weeks to run. After today's fiasco, I'm really not in the mood to continue with them. I've been leaving messages for Bob Green, but I haven't heard back from him yet.

If I can't get out of my advertising contract, I just might change the focus of my commercials from "Buy a typewriter" to "Don't listen to the KZMO morning show." It's worth a thought.